Where to begin? These last three months have been a super struggle for

me. It just seemed to be that nothing would go right. We were working on a remodel and it was literally one thing after another. These weren’t the good kind of surprises. Details were over looked. Workmanship sucked. The management of the project was poor. And that was the stuff that was obvious. Things weren’t really going well for me internally either. My mind was a mess. My naturally happy state was absolutely absent. Gone. I was angry a lot. I was stressed to my limits. I felt cut off from who I am, my family, my spirituality and from nature. Not good. All of those things I need in ample measure.

I need this connection. Wisdom. Peace. Grounding.

I need this connection. Wisdom. Peace. Grounding.

I turned to donuts and self loathing. They were easy. I’d get through a day, and sneak into the drive through donut lane. Let’s ignore the fact that I write a blog called 50 Pound Monkey about the extra pounds I carry around or that I’m gluten sensitive and my hands break out in ridiculously itchy, and painful eczema and I feel nauseated after said donuts. Seems like the sugar was my drug of choice. Maybe feeling physically sick helped me align the emotional conundrum raging within. I was just pissed off. Everyone, and everything, was annoying. This was just a cluster. A stupid, mother freaking, blankety-blank cluster. My little world.

I’ve had this awareness for awhile that life was passing me by. Here I am, living a lovely, beautiful life and I’m just not noticing. I’m thinking about tomorrow. I’m thinking about just trudging on. If I can just get through this day, this week, the next two years. Weeks would roll by without me acknowledging them. I couldn’t remember what happened the last week, nor did I really care. I was aware. I was not happy about this state of living in the future. This was not working for me. My kids were growing, changing, and becoming amazing humans under my nose and I was not soaking it all up. Life was doing me. I was not doing life.

When we returned from vacation and I fought myself tooth and nail and mustered every ounce of strength to wake up and go to work, I decided that I need to love what I do for my living. Finally, I decided that I’d hire a coach. What I thought I needed was to find my passion. I needed to find something that I couldn’t wait to get up and go do. Little did I know that this was the beginning of my awakening. My world is changing so quickly now. I feel alive again. It’s not just the coach, though she’s a catalyst, and a good one. I’ve turned to myself and to others to find my divine purpose. I’ve explored energy healing and have had long, interesting and animated discussions with my dear friend and mentor about Astrology, divine wisdom and life lessons. I already feel joy again. I’ve already learned so much. This is living. There are no donuts here. Self loathing is a thing of the past. It feels so good.

Here starts my series of this journey. I’m working on a name for it, but I plan to share my little nuggets of truth, somehow, somewhere. I’m learning things that just make sense, things that I know deep in my being, in my very center, are right. Real. They’re worth thinking about. I’m a normal, conventionally raised Texas girl and I seem to be getting my woo-woo on. Whaaaat? Just saying. Most of my life I would have dismissed certain things because they were woo woo, or way woo woo—hippie freaky deaky stuff, that just seemed weird. With age comes wisdom? Probably. Being open to the universe and a whole realm of possibility, of divine knowledge just feels good. It feels intensely right.

Maybe you’re like I was? All things woo woo make you roll your eyes? Hang with me. You don’t have to believe any of this. Just acknowledge that this is my journey and you’re observing. Observe with no judgement and open heart. That’s all I ask. I want to turn on my light. Enlighten this life. I want to be a source of light and love on this blue ball.

Good vibes and good love.


Accidental Hippie Selfie